The Raw (Yet Beautiful) Truth of Return

Yesterday, the death toll from COVID-19 in the US surpassed 10,300 precious lives. Admiral Brett Giroir, a physician and member of the White House task force on the coronavirus, told ABC’s “Good Morning America” on April 6, “It’s going to be the . . . peak death week.

One of the emerging stories about the demographics of who in the US dies of COVID-19 is that African Americans are disproportionately represented. Because of the higher prevalence of heart disease, asthma, and diabetes — as well as disparity in access to quality healthcare — African Americans are particularly vulnerable to this highly contagious, and deadly virus.

Friends, these are unprecedented, challenging, frightening and truly historic times. But it is not the time to panic, lose hope, freeze, or give up.

Now is the perfect time to reflect, come back to center, and connect with your essential self.

With the backdrop of so much grim news, I moved to a new home in early March. The timing was sheer luck and grace. We managed to get moved in just days before our county was told to stay at home, except for essential workers or necessary trips to the grocery or drug store.

The even deeper blessing for me was that our new home has every possible convenience — and a few luxuries — that make staying at home beyond comfortable.

But a few weeks in, I wasn’t happy.

Despite the luxuries, along with only minor disruptions to my work life, I was irritable and frustrated — which left me feeling shame and guilt.

I couldn’t help but see myself as a brat in the midst of so much suffering, fear, and death.

I wondered, “Why can’t I be happy?”

I observed people doing creative things online like hosting twice a day Facebook live events, throwing virtual parties, or giving away their work or time in various ways to help those who were struggling because of temporarily losing their income — or maybe even their job — due to the virus.

It all annoyed me.

I felt dry, tired, and had no energy for anything creative or fun.  I could barely keep up with what I had to do. And I was frustrated with myself for being other than what I thought I “should” be.

Finally, when I could no longer tolerate the persistent inner pummeling I was inflicting on myself, I called a friend and told her what was going on with me. The truth — my truth — exactly as I was experiencing it.

And then a funny thing happened.

As soon as I told her my truth, everything shifted.

I felt heard, seen, validated, and, well, normal. And because I accepted exactly where I was, my creative energy came back.

I forgave myself for the shoulds, the expectations, and the burden of trying to force myself to see things a certain way, feel the “right” emotions, or to do the “right” things.

(Interestingly, I later found out that someone I had been unfavorably comparing myself to admitted she had done way too much, had completely over-given, and made a decision to pull back her time and energy to do more self-care.)

Does all this sound familiar?

I’m sure it does, because my story is the story of most women as we routinely fall into the outside-in trap — losing touch with our own reality and our own truth. Outside-in living is what happened to me when I looked at my life situation and my new home and thought, “You SHOULD be happy. What’s wrong with you?”

The opposite of outside-in living is living from the inside-out.

In my case, living from the inside-out meant honoring my fatigue, my irritation, and even my shame and guilt.

And that is exactly what the first portal of The Radiant Threefold Path — Return — invites you to do.

Return means to know who you are, and to uncover and reclaim the perfect truth of your authentic feminine nature. Without knowing your truth, you can’t know what you desire. And if you don’t know your desires, you won’t be able to manifest them.

I don’t want that to happen to you.

If you haven’t already, I would love for you to download the free PDF Invitation to The Radiant Threefold Path here. Soon, I’ll be sharing an exciting opportunity to work directly with me as we take the maiden voyage through The Radiant Threefold Path!

Click here for The Radiant Threefold Path Maiden Voyage


© Vicki Tidwell Palmer (2020)

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Reader Interactions


  1. Melissa Noonan says

    Thank you Vicki for your honesty. I have not enjoyed the new requirements of remote working and homeschooling my middle schoolers (I tried the homeschooling thing once when they were young and learned it was not for me then or now!). I am grieving the loss of life of the victims of covid-19 and I am grieving the loss of being with people. Zoom just isn’t an adequate replacement as far as I am concerned. Thank you for listening…with love, Melissa

    • Vicki says

      You’re welcome Melissa, and I hear you! Homeschooling middle schoolers sounds very challenging.

      I join you in grieving the loss of so many lives to this powerful virus and missing the connection with others.

      Take good care.

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The deepest experience of the creator is feminine, for it is experience of receiving and bearing.”

Rainer Maria Rilke